#i can't speak about anything past that or i'll start weeping

[wretchedmosses]

Cycle

I woke up at 9 today, but I left my bed at 11. It always seems to happen that way. I just lay there until my hours are gone. Hoping noone sees me, that I'll be left well enough alone for a little bit if I don't move much, that things will be quiet and I can sleep. Eventually, I do get up, though.

My head is heavy. I feel weak, there's something gummy between the ears. That means I haven't eaten enough. My hair feels greasy as I touch it, I haven't showered in a little while. Maybe a few days. Those are both better than they used to be, I think. There isn't much in the house, so I start to make some toast. My father is awake now, he comes to show me the news he found today.

Malaria and dengue fever are running rampant in our home state, and the podcasters he likes have mixed feelings about the Barbie movie. cool.

The toaster pops at me loudly, insistently. I don't remember putting the bread in. Guess I got absorbed in his talking. These things he talks about have a way of biting. I think as I work in the kitchen, think about the danger we're in. The money I've made and spent and it feels like on nothing in particular, but I don't know if I'd be here if I hadn't spent it and I don't know how much longer I could go on making it. The new workplace is crushing me with nerves. I've never worked an office before, these new people are terrifying and they expect me to speak to them. It's only been a week and I don't know if I feel better or worse than I did at the last job, or during the time between. Everything seemed dim and hopeless then, but it's not that it doesn't now. I guess what I really wanted was something to take the time off my hands. So they'd stop shouting me down for my hobbies, so I'd be a real adult. Do I feel adult?

Oh, the toast is jellied and plated. I could make some tea or coffee, but my teeth are getting worse. I should be saving for my first dental appointment, but I have a whole list of stuff to save for, and I still haven't decided how I'll budget, have I? I guess I'll put that on the list today.

It's a big list now. I don't know if that's good.

The tasks seem to fill a gap there for a while, but I'll feel bad when not all of it is done, won't I? It's all so important, too. To someone else or to me, and few in betweens. It doesn't feel very adult for a to-do list to be so thoughtful and crushing. They're not very outlandish tasks for my age or anything.

I'm sitting to eat now, and I haven't even written any of my tasks down. I'm starting to lose them already. What did I just say I'd add?

I've eaten, and I'm not in so much pain or exhaustion when I stand. My head still feels wrong, but it's been a while since it felt right. Maybe the shower will do it. Or the water, or the tasks. I don't know how I can be so strong to think about other tasks when it's so hard to take care of myself already.

Is that strength? Is that adulthood? I don't feel strong. I don't feel grown.

I wish there had been more time, but I don't rue how I spent it. I was happy in those days. I didn't know the sun well then, but with it missing, I miss it so badly now. It's sunny, but my sky is dark.

In a week I won't remember today. I'll pity my past self for thinking it was so bad then. Or maybe I'll weep for the state I was in. I can't see the bottom, I can't even feel if I've hit it. Maybe that's why I feel sick, and my head is reeling. I hope I've gone as low as I can. There might still be hope of reaching the surface again.

I'm going to have my shower. I'll drink my water, play a game. I have a meetup with my friends tomorrow, and with my DND group today. That thought makes me smile a little. Maybe I'll go for a walk, too. It's not good to be inside so long, my freckles are fading. I'm sure my dad won't like that, but I don't want to think about that. There's a happy picture at the end of the line. I think I can make that a scene from my life. Maybe it's just a matter of the effort I put in. I haven't got much left in my bones, but for joy, I'll lift with my whole back.

[neednothavehappenedtobetrue]

pivotal moments in Callie and Laura's life. (content warnings, murder, implied past child abuse)

Callie was fussy. She staggered into Laura's office with a hand over her eyes like it could block out what was hurting her.

"Oh, come here, baby." Laura scooped her daughter up.

.""I want Daddy."

"He just called me. He'll be home in an hour."

"No, he won't."

Well, she was probably right about that. Callie knew things. Still, Laura didn't worry yet. "He just called me. He's out with Uncle Finch."

"They didn't catch him."

"Come away from that, baby. Listen to me. " So Laura told Callie a story. She liked mythology, even if she had to sand the edges off a little for a four-year-old. Callie wouldn't settle, though. By the time there was a knock at the door, she was fully wailing in Laura's lap.

It was Finch at the door, and Lassie. Laura knew from their faces.

"Where's Toph?" she asked anyway.

"He's... look, do you want to do something with Callie?"

"She knows more than I do."

"He's dead, Laura. I'm so sorry."

"How did you-- how could you--"

"We don't need to talk through that right now. Get Callie settled down. I'll make you a drink. Kim says to call her when you can. Don't-- she listens to the radio when we're out. It's not like we told her first."

But she knew first. And she had done Laura the kindness of having Finch tell her, so they wouldn't fight.

For years, Laura had let Toph take the lead on his relationship with his mother. They hadn't been speaking for the past four months. Their periods of silence had gotten sharper and longer as Callie grew older. Watching his own baby grow up threw into sharp focus what his own growing-up had been like. He hadn't told Laura what he sometimes had nightmares about until they were engaged. He was only just starting, haltingly, to talk about it.

Callie screamed. Laura cycled through all the things that sometimes calmed her, soft music and lavender-scented bubbles and the calm-down jars and a long, hot bath. None of it worked.

Three hours later, Callie wept herself silent and allowed her mother to tuck her into bed. Laura was half-surprised to see Finch still in the living room.

"Fix you that drink now?"

"You don't have to."

"Well, I want a drink. Scotch?"

"Please." God. Her husband was dead, dead about four hours now, and she was only just barely allowing herself to feel it.

"Lassie went to check on Kim. Said she'd tell her you'd call tomorrow."

"Yeah."

"About funeral arrangements."

"I'm not going to fight her on funeral arrangements. If she wants to arrange everything, she can do what she wants."

"Good. You don't need to worry about that. You have Callie."

She started weeping after the second Scotch. "Did you catch them?"

"No. We've got people out, still looking, but we've gotta be careful. He's got a designed gun and we don't know what else."

Like her various exoskeletons, designed by Nolan. Nolan never made guns, but other people sure did.

"I should call Nolan." He would look after her, help with Callie, fix her drinks but not too many.

"Yeah, sure, get someone in the house."

"What do you and Lassie need?" They had been a trio for a long, long time.

"We'll be-- shit, Laura. I don't know. If I ever have the first idea, I'll tell you, okay?"

They wept together on the sofa for a little while and then Finch had to leave. Laura called Nolan, who would be there in the morning, and slept poorly in a bed that felt enormous.

She called Kim the next morning. Kim had already made arrangements.

"Don't you worry about anything. Just take care of Callie. I'll be by tomorrow with some dresses for her."

Laura was too tired for polite fictions. "Toph didn't want you anywhere near the baby."

"Well," Kim said. "You can have some sympathy. You're a mother."

That was more or less why she didn't.

"You'll embarrass me at the funeral."

"I won't. Finch and Lassie already know and I don't think he'd want me to tell anyone else."

"He would have called me soon."

"Maybe."

"You can't keep me away from my only family forever."

"I'll pick out a dress for Callie, thanks."

Callie screamed through the whole funeral, minute one to the end of it. Kim offered Laura a tiny bottle of pills from Dr. Monroe and Laura flushed it down the funeral home toilet. Fuck Dr. Monroe.

"You can't just let her scream," Kim said.

Laura didn't have a retort.

Two weeks later, the funeral was over and Callie could be calmed for a few hours at a stretch. When Callie was sleeping, Laura had taken to listening to the radio while Finch and Lassie and the new girl did patrols. She wasn't technically supposed to, but oh well.

They had found the man with the designed gun, holed up in a warehouse somewhere, maybe a dozen other weapons, dangerous as hell. They were circling him. They were waiting for their moment.

"Watch Callie."

"So you can go do something stupid?" Nolan asked.

"Somebody has to. He'll get away again. He'll hop a flight this time and we'll never catch him."

"You're not certified."

"They'll certify me retroactively."

"Callie needs you."

Laura's bones felt like molten lead. She left.

Finch yelled at her, after. Dangerous, irresponsible, uncertified, Callie needs you.

"She bought us the moment we needed," Lassie said. "We'll get her certified retroactively. It'll be fine."

"It could have damn well not been fine."

"Yeah, well, it was. Bastard's dead," Lassie said.

And then, three days later, Kim showed up.

"Callie's asleep. I don't want to wake her."

"Of course not. We need to have an adult conversation."

"About?"

"I couldn't get you certified retroactively. They're really clamping down on that sort of thing these days."

"There are things you can't do at the SRA?"

"Believe it or not. Let me come inside, we can't have this conversation in the doorway."

Kim sat on Laura's sofa. "You have two options," she says. "If you really want to do the principled thing, you could go to the Fortress, obviously. I'll look after Callie. It might not be such a long stint, under the circumstances."

"What's my other choice?"

"Send Callie to my school when she turns six and Finch and Lassie will lie for you. Putting a lot on the line to do it, so I expect you not to give them any grief."

"Six?"

"Minimum enrollment age."

"So it's just a question of which one of us goes to prison." Laura's bones felt molten again.

"It's a school, Laura. I sent my son there. Don't be dramatic. Take some time to think about it."

"You'll get custody, anyway, if I go to the Fortress."

"I will, yes. It's just a question of whether you get to visit her on the weekends. You'll see. She'll thrive."

Kim left. Finch came over fifteen minutes later and let Laura scream at him.

"Lassie's pissed about it, too, but you know how Kim is, Laura. If we try to back you without her in our corner, she'll tear down both of our careers, too, and we'll all three of us end up in there."

"So I have two years to figure something out."

"I went there for a couple years, Laura. It wasn't great, but it's not like I was in a war zone."

"You weren't six."

"I know."

"Toph didn't want her to go."

"Yeah, well, maybe you shouldn't have killed that guy. We'd have got him eventually."

"Toph was terrified of..."

"I know. Believe me, I know. They shouldn't let six-year-olds live away from home that much."

"Getting spinal taps every month."

"It's every six months. We need to understand super biology."

"Fuck off."

"Look, I'm sorry. It's just what it is now. Don't go to prison. Let us cover you. Visit Callie every week."

She didn't think of anything, the next two years. Nolan offered to take Callie and run, but Kim had access to the agency's best finders and it wouldn't work. She packed up sheets and stuffed animals and little outfits and dropped her wailing daughter at that goddamn school.

[moonlightflower21]

ease my mind

a/n: angst. mentions of death. stabbings. all that good stuff. also includes mafia turtles. might not make sense but people wanted to read it so ���‍♀️���

but anyway, as calm and collected and stoic leo can be, he has his weak points. he isn't immune to panic attacks or bad thoughts. enjoy!

How could this have happened? His world felt like it had crumbled to the very ground, turned into dust and flown mockingly into the air. Reminding how useless he truly was.

Leonardo watched his brothers follow inside the living room, Raph grabbing an ice pack to cool the knife cut bleeding out on his bicep. Mikey winced as he got rid of his waistcoat, untying his tie and letting it hang limply. His shirt was stained more in red than white, indicating his wound was deeper than he originally thought. Yet none of them spoke a word, barely even glancing in the leaders direction.

Leonardo looked at his team, most specifically Raphael. He had been quiet which had certainly been unlike him. Raph was never one to show how angry he was, always giving his opinion regardless of the topic so the silence coming from him was deafening.

"You good?" Leo's voice was slightly shaky not used to his hot headed brother being so silent about the obvious fail they just encountered.

Dark amber eyes connected with his and Leo didn't need to be a genius to know there was fury brewing behind those honeyed irises. Taking a breath in, he opened his mouth to say something but he noticed something else swirling into those eyes. Defeat.

"I'm sorry about.... You know I had-" "Fuck ya. That's.... all I gotta say ta ya. Yer really got some nerve ta put this on someone else. Get one thing straight, we're not indestructible. Not me or ya or Don or Mikey. But why am I wastin my breath on ya? Whatever I tell ya, yer just gonna go ahead and do the opposite. Like yer always do. And I'm gonna be the one ta help ya when yer run in ta issues. Like I always do" Raphael sneered, his hands in tight fists to control his temper. His tone was accusing, malicious towards Leo. And no one cane blame him.

"I'm not gonna bother waiting my time or energy bein' here. I can't do this no more" His harsh voice dropped to a whisper at the last sentence and he's not sure whether it's directed to his brother or to himself. He wanted to say something but nothing would be able to console how he's feeling tonight. Raph clenched his arm tightly, placing pressure in the damaged skin before pushing past his brother and to his own private room.

"Wait!" But the terrapin had left. Turning back to the rest of his team, Leo hoped he could explain what had happened. But their looks were cold and heartless.

Mikey stood tall, his stare in a hardened frown. He let out a small grunt, plastron burning with pain on his ride side.

"Look I'm-" "I've always stood by your decisions, always respected your commands and orders. But tonight was a fucking shit show and had you not lost focus, those innocent lives wouldn't have been taken. Some leader you are" Mikey scoffed, hands tingling with urges to beat the living shit out of someone. Leonardo stood, his brain unable to form comprehensible sentences to his answer. Was that how he truly felt?

"Mikey..." "Don't 'Mikey' me Leonardo. You were right after all. We may be brothers but we are not a team. Thank you for opening my eyes to that tonight" He snarled, a shaky breath as he applied too much pressure to his plastron. He swallowed hard, mind overflowing with poisonous thoughts suffocating his mind. Begging to be in a safe place but he couldn't find any. He didn't think he could ever feel safe anywhere. Not with his brothers or his family.

"Leave me alone. I have nothing to speak to you about, nor do I want to see your face tonight" Mikey uttered sharply, refusing to show any pain despite actively bleeding. He left in the other direction, retiring to his own personal chambers for the night. Leonardo gritted his teeth, trying to hold himself together. Trying to hold his composture together but it was dangerously close to crashing down. Maybe Donatello would listen. He was always good at reading people. Hopefully he could lend an ear before Leo's thoughts drive him insane.

"Don-" "I don't know what you wish to hear Leonardo. Me to say that it went good? That everything went well?? Raph nearly lost an arm, Mikey only has a new painful scar to his collection. You know how bad his plastron is damaged?? There's only so much that can be done to help it. And as for myself... well I'll let it speak for itself" Donnie lifted the side of his shirt, emitting a soft gasp from the eldest in absolute horror.

The wound was weeping, blood trickling down his abdomen soaking the rim of his pants. Leo's heart fell to the ground, his teeth sinking in his bottom lip to stop any vulnerability coming to light. Only know has it registered how much danger he had selfishly placed all his brothers in.

"But none of this matters to you does it? We're just soldiers to command, to help-" "That's not true Donatello!" Leo's voice came as a hoarse whisper, clenching his fingers tightly. Had his brother looked close enough, he would have seen Leonardo teetering off the edge of his sanity. The tremble in his body, the shaking of his arms despite how strong he stood, his eyes turning a deep blue emotionally overwhelmed.

"Isn't it?? Because the way I see it, you seem to have completely placed us at the sidelines. What happened to family? What happened to looking out for each other? What happened to your honour Leonardo?? These words you held with great pride are nothing but a jumbled mess of letters at your feet. If you cannot practise what you preach then I highly recommend you stop pretending otherwise. Excuse me, some of us have to help his family" Donatello frowned, walking past the blue cladded turtle to help his injured family members.

Leonardo's breath hitched, tears gathering in the corners of his eyes and spilling down quietly his cheeks. Honour, justice, family.... these words were for heros. Words for people that helped their country, he didn't do any of those things. He was a villain, killing himself slowly with his actions.

Moments like these reminded of his haunted childhood, how Splinter berating him for being worthless, how he would never accumulate to anything. Tonight those very words repeated like a record in his brain, unable to pause or freeze and he sat there listening to it all. Because it was true. He wasn't some warrior or a soldier, he was a mistake. And those horrible words ring in his head like an alarm, he didn't deserve to live.

Leo made questionable decisions tonight but his brothers didn't know how much burden he carried on his shoulders. He wouldn't forget those who passed tonight nor did he forget the injuries inflicted on his brother because of him. Was this how he wanted his life to be? Was this worth the pain and failures? And no matter how much those humans had wronged him, he swore to never turn like Splinter had done. Though now he could see himself follow in those very footsteps, heart twisted with evil and brutal thoughts.

They all lay heavy on his mind, constantly mocking and torturing of him of the leadership he once held with great importance and dedication. But now it started to disintegrate, proving his worst fear true that he was simply unable to protect his loved ones. That he couldn't even help himself. He could feel himself spiralling out of control and its times like these, he wished someone would hold him tight Ground him to reality, pushing those thoughts out of his body instead of laying low waiting to strike at his most weakest.

There he sat, sinking further and further into the pit of depair and self-hatred wondering if anyone could ever rescue him from this prison.

Wondering if he ever deserved to feel any happiness.

Wondering if he was better off being alone.

[godlydolans]

Not Enough {e.d.}

Summary: Ethan is going through a heartbreak and Y/N is there to comfort him, but while he cries in her arms, she wonders if she'll ever be enough for him and if he'll ever return the feelings she holds for him.

Warning: Angst.

Requested: Kinda. I took inspiration from some of the concepts people sent me when I'd asked for angst prompts. Thanks guys, for being patient with me!

Ethan sits on the floor in his room, eyes blindly gazing at his open palms as his head throbs, containing so many thoughts and questions inside that small space. He doesn't know how much time had gone by since she left. He doesn't seem to recall what he did when she walked out of that door without sparing him a single, pathetic glance. He isn't even sure what he's doing on the damned floor when his bed is just an inch away from him.

All he does know is that he feels like an invisible fist is tightening over his heart and squeezing the already broken pieces so they hurt more.

"It's not you, Ethan."

He scoffs, a bitter taste in his mouth when he thinks about the words she threw at him. Typical lines everyone repeats when they have to let someone down easy. But there was nothing easy about the way she let him down. In fact, she didn't show an ounce of mercy while rejecting him.

"Listen, I've always seen you as a friend, E." She'd said, her eyes shining with sincerity and unshed tears. "I love you as a friend."

She is not a bad person, she's a gem of a person and that's why it was so god damned easy to fall for her. She had him crazy in love to the point where he had started to talk like Grayson. The whole soulmate shit was something he never believed in, unlike his brother, but ever since she came into his life, he could feel that they were made from the same stardust.

How could there be someone else made for him if it wasn't her? It was simply not possible! She is the female version of him, everyone says that. She herself knows that. There are so many similarities between them. How can she not fall for him like he did for her?

He thought the soulmate shit worked both ways? At least that's what Grayson had said when he's asked about it. Then how did it work on him and not on her?

"I can't ever look at you like that because I like your brother."

Maybe if she would've just said she didn't feel the same and left it at that, he wouldn't have felt like she tipped his world upside down. But those last words she spoke really broke him. Why did she have to go and tell him she had feelings for Grayson? Ethan would have been fine without the information. There really was no need.

His phone rings beside him for the thousandth time and he clenches his jaw. He doesn't even have to look at the caller ID to know who's calling. Y/N has been blowing up his phone for what feels like an hour but he knows it's less than that. Of course he hasn't been sitting on the floor and wallowing in his own misery for an entire hour. That's ridiculous!

Just like he's been doing with all her precious attempts of reaching him, Ethan ignores this one too. He knows that Grayson must have called her when Ethan demanded he doesn't want to see his brother's face right now. He also knows she must be really worried since he's been rejecting all her calls, but he simply wants to be left alone. Is that too much for these people to understand?

He's too vulnerable to be seen by people right now and even though Y/N is literally the only person other than Grayson that he's comfortable crying in front of, he doesn't want her to see him like this. It's only going to hurt her too. Little does he know, she is right outside his front door, calling Gray to come open the door for her since she knows Ethan wouldn't pick up.

_

"Where's he?" You ask urgently the moment the door opens and a very tired looking Gray appears. He immediately moves to the side, ushering you into the house since its so hot outside.

"He's in his room." Grayson replies. His fingers comb through his hair as he lets out an exhausted sigh, "He doesn't wanna talk to me, Y/N."

Your heart breaks at the gloom that has settled on Grayson's otherwise radiant face. He looks troubled and his voice shows that too as it trembles towards the end of his sentence. You both are aware of how much Ethan likes this girl. You don't think you've seen him be this into someone before and you've known Ethan for years. You have seen him with plenty of girls in all these years and you can tell this time was different.

So if you could tell, Grayson definitely can too. It has been nineteen years and the brothers have never had a serious fight over a girl, something they are really proud of. But after how Ethan refused to even look at Grayson for the whole day makes the younger twin a little worried and a lot scared. He really wants to know what is going through Ethan's mind. Is he really blaming Grayson for what happened? Did Bella really do what no other girl was able to do thus far?

"Y/N, I swear I have never looked at her that way." Grayson sounds like he's pleading his case in court and you are the Judge. "I don't know why he doesn't wanna talk to me, I didn't do anything! I didn't even know that sh-"

"Gray, I know, I know you didn't do anything." You cut off his rambling with a gentle hand on his bicep. "He's just sad right now, he knows it's not your fault."

Grayson doesn't seem convinced by what you just said. His shoulders are still tense and his eyes look sunken in. He looks tired and you wish you could look after him too.

"Have you eaten anything?" You softly enquire and shake your head in disapproval when he says no. "Go eat something while I go see how your brother is doing."

"Yes, please see if he's okay?"

"Of course, Gray." With one last squeeze on his bicep, you step away from Grayson and make your way to Ethan's room. It's so quiet in the house, all the lights are off. You are always used to seeing the colourful lights the twins installed around the house, illuminating the place when night falls and it's only this quiet here when both the boys are not at home. Tonight, it feels like even the house is silently weeping after the recent events it witnessed.

Standing in front of Ethan's door, you pause to take in a much needed breath. Your hand trembles as it goes to grip the door knob and you almost don't have the will to enter. Granted, you've done this before. You have been around to tend to Ethan's broken heart many times in the past, but each experience has sadly not lessened the pain your heart goes through when he sits in front of you and talks about other girls. You have gotten familiar with the ache of your own heart, but the pain still knocks the breath out of you whenever life slaps you in the face with signs that Ethan will never return your feelings.

You know whatever will happen on the other side of this door will leave you wounded and broken beyond what you have come here to fix, but worry for Ethan is far more prominent than worry for your own self. So you don't think twice before twisting the door knob and pushing the door open.

Usually when you open this door, you can find Ethan right away. The guy is pretty noticeable, what with his height and stature. You can usually find him sitting on the rolly chair in front of his desk, computer either displaying an intense game of Fortnite or the editing software they use for their videos. If not the desk, he will definitely be found laying on his bed, either on his phone or just sleeping like the angel he is. Today, however, you don't even see him when you peek your head inside. It's only when you roam your eyes carefully around the room, do you see Ethan's body curled up sitting against the foot of the bed. He is sitting with his head in his hands, that's why he hasn't noticed your presence in the room yet. You also notice his phone laying on the floor beside him and a pinch of hurt settles in your heart when you think about him deliberately disconnecting all your calls.

Your hand forms into a fist and you knock twice on the wooden door, causing Ethan to finally lift his head up and lock eyes with you. The second your eyes meet, you force the tiniest smile on your lips, hoping that you'll get one in return. What you do get in return is a groan with a clenched jaw and a muffled, "What are you doing here?" After he goes back to hiding his face behind his hands.

Your heart sinks.

"I mean, I know you wish someone else was here in my place, but I at least deserve a hello," you speak in a joking tone but the words really hurt when they slip from your tongue. When Ethan doesn't respond, you sigh and let yourself in because you know he wouldn't invite you in right now. "Well then, seems like I don't."

Ethan groans again and slowly lifts his head back up. It looks like he's put in a lot of effort in just turning his head and looking at you because his eyes look so tired and drained. Ethan's hair is a mess, it looks like he pulled at the roots because some pieces are standing up in different directions. The fact that he still looks dashing, doesn't surprise you though.

"Y/N, I don't want you here right now." Ethan deadpans, fixing his intense stare on you and you have the sudden urge to look away. His words are like a slap to your face and you know this was just one of the many slaps that would be coming your way tonight, if you decide to stay.

And stay you will.

"I know." You breath, daring to take small steps in the sad boy's direction, "I know that."

"Then why are you still standing in my room?" Ethan's cutting gaze forces you to halt your steps, his sharp tone ripping a new wound in your heart. For a second, you simply stand back and look at him with widened eyes. Judging from the shock that's displayed through his expression, he didn't mean to say what he said either. Or maybe he did, but he wasn't expecting it to come out as harsh as it did.

Pressing your lips together, you force yourself to take a step back. It looks like he really does not want anyone near him right now.

"I'll just be outside if you wanna talk." This time, you don't bother with a smile. Casting your gaze on the floor, you turn to walk out.

"Wait-" Ethan rushes to his feet the second he realises how harsh he was to you and a hand subconsciously reaches out to stop you from leaving. You do stop at the sound of his voice, but don't turn to look at him. He clenches his jaw in anger directed toward himself.

Ethan hates it when his actions cause you pain. He hates it more than anything else in the world and still, no matter how much he tries to avoid it, he manages to hurt you one way or another.

"Y/N, wait-fuck, I didn't mean that." Taking four steps forward, Ethan's fingers wrap around your wrist and he's ready to turn you to face him when you don't show any signs of doing it yourself. When he does turn you, he sees your eyes are closed, long eyelashes brushing against blushed cheekbones. Ethan's heart sinks when he imagines you opening them and those eyes being red-rimmed with the tears that he caused. "Y/N, I'm sorry, so sorry."

"Its okay, E." You let his misbehaviour go with a wave of your hand, finally opening your eyes when you are sure you have the tears in control. Your eyes hand on your wrist which is still in Ethan's hold. Your cheeks go warm at the feeling of his skin on yours. "I know you're upset, it's okay."

Peering up at him from under your lashes, you find him looking back at you and you immediately look away. You learnt really early on that avoiding eye contact with Ethan is the best way to avoid some of the pain. You almost never look him in the eyes and hold his gaze for more than a second. Ethan is used to you steering your eyes away when hes looking at you and even though it irks him, he doesn't say anything.

He doesn't say anything but he does tug at the wrist he was still holding, causing you to stumble into his chest so he can wrap his arms around you. You weren't expecting him to hug you so suddenly, but you don't waste a second in wounding your own arms around his neck and allowing him to engulf you in his warmth. Ethan's hugs always leave your whole body buzzing with some strange energy and the butterflies in your stomach go haywire. You don't get to have him this close to you often because Ethan is not the hugging kind of guy, although you have seen him being really cuddly with his girlfriends in the past, so maybe he is the hugging type of guy but you are not his type of girl.

Whatever it is, you don't get to be this close to him often, but the limited times you have been in his arms are enough to tell that this, right here is your favourite place in the world and if you could, you would live here forever.

"I don't deserve you." He whispers, his head pressed against your neck.

"You deserve the world, E." Your fingers dance over the nape of his neck, "If anything, it is she who doesn't deserve you."

"Don't." Ethan's body stiffens against you at her mention and he gently pulls away from the hug. You let him go half heartedly, watching him run a hand through his hair. He's the one who is avoiding eye contact now. "Its not her fault that she likes Grayson. You can't force someone to like you."

You chuckle mirthlessly, shaking your head at the irony of it all. Here he stands, the guy you fell for against your own will, the guy who doesn't love you back and probably never will and he is the one telling you about the merciless ways the heart loves. God knows if you could force it, you would force yourself to fall out of love with Ethan. You won't ever be able to force him to do anything he doesn't want to.

"So, you still want me to go away?"

Ethan scoffs and turns to walk back to his bed, "C'mere." He motions you over and you comply with a smile on your face.

And half an hour later, you find yourself laying down in Ethan Dolan's bed with him clutching onto your waist for dear life. His face is buried in your neck and you can feel hot tears fall on your skin over and over. Yes, he's crying.

Ethan Dolan is crying over this girl and you really wish she was in front of you so you could tear her a brand new one for hurting your man like this. Granted she is a good human and she didn't do anything wrong, but Ethan is crying.

And he's not your man.

"I don't understand what the fuck is wrong with me?!" He sniffles, momentarily pushing his face out of its hiding spot, which was the crook of your neck and seeing his beautiful hazel eyes red rimmed is really killing you. You wish you could take away the pain but sadly, there's nothing you can really do except for listening to him vent out his anger and frustration. "Like, why does everyone always choose Grayson over me? Why am I never good enough, Y/N?"

The words he speaks and the way he speaks them, looking so shattered like he actually believes he's any short of perfect, just makes you want to cradle him in your arms and tell him about all the different ways he makes your heart skip and speed from his mere presence. You would open up and tell him how just his name can make heat rush to your cheeks and how his deep voice can awaken goosebumps on your skin. He touches you and your skin tingles, he laughs and your face splits into a grin, he is happy and you feel like all the problems in the world are solved. You worship the ground Ethan walks on, you look at him like he hung the moon and stars in the sky. And if telling him all these things and a lot more could help with the pain he's feeling right now, you would tell him right now. But you know it won't help him. He doesn't want your love.

He wants someone else.

"Can I ask you something? Promise you'll be honest?"

You nod.

"Why does no one ever love me?" Ethan sighs, his head falling against his pillow now instead of your neck.

"People love you, E! What are you talking about? Your mom loves you, your sister loves you, your twin loves you and your dad and your fans-"

Ethan cuts you off with a click of his tongue, "But they are family-and what do you think, I don't know that mom and dad liked Grayson more than me? Cameron says that she prefers Grayson over me and so do the fans-"

"I love you, Ethan." There, you say it. You look him right in the eye while saying it too, so that he has no doubt in his head that you absolutely mean it. Your confession is followed by silence. Ethan looks at you as you look right back and try to look calm even when your heart is going crazy inside your chest. Yeah, you've said the words here and there in passing, but this time you don't mean it in a platonic way. "And I will always choose you over anyone." Even myself, sometimes.

Another tear escapes Ethan's eyes, causing him to finally tear his gaze away and wipe the lone tear away with his thumb. He is quiet again, leading you to wonder if you shouldn't have said what you just did. Your heart sounds like it's beating in your throat, making it that much harder to think rationally and not go into a panic attack.

But before you can begin to beat yourself over this in your head, Ethan speaks up. "That's different, Y/N."

And maybe it's something about the way he avoids looking into your eyes when he says it or it's the way he says it, almost sounding like he meant to say, "That's not enough, Y/N" instead of going for the slightly softer words that he decided to go with at the last minute. Either of the things are the reason your heart just went splat on the expensive floor of Ethan's bedroom and shattered into so many tiny pieces that it will be difficult for you to gather them again when it's time for you to go back home.

Probably the biggest slap you've ever received from the man you love with every fiber of your being.

Because even though he didn't say the exact words, you know he just told you loud and clear that the love you're offering to give him is not enough because your love is not what he wants. Your love can not hold a candle to the love he could have gotten from Bella.

Because Bella is charming and adventurous. She is kind and humble, sweet and innocent, yet holds the talent of being sassy enough to hand Ethan's ass to him when required. She is grace and she is beauty, immense beauty. The kind of beauty that makes a person stop in their track and turn to look. The kind of beauty that one sees on the canvas of an ancient painter, the kind of beauty that poets write ballads upon ballads about. She is the stars to Ethan's moon.

And you? You're just Y/N. Simple, plain Y/N who likes simple, plain things. You are the kind of person Ethan describes as boring then how did you expect him to love you back? Yes, you've been friends for a major part of your lives, but that's all he's ever seen you as.

A friend is all you are ever going to be.

It is at this exact moment that you see your entire future rolling before your eyes like a movie. You see Ethan dating countless girls while you stay to the side, until he finally comes across his forever girl. Oh, he'll be so excited while telling you about her and you'll suppress your urge to break down in front of his, being a good friend, you'll listen to his every word and encourage him to get the girl.

Ethan will get the girl of his dreams, they will be the it couple. Both so heart breakingly beautiful and equally amazing people. Ethan will be happy with her and he'll make sure to keep her happy. After few years of dating, they will get married. You, of course, will be invited. Your tears will fall when you'd find the wedding invitation in your mail box one day because you're still not over Ethan Dolan, as pathetic as that sounds. And you will contemplate burning the damn thing because there's no way you'll go. But at the last minute, you do decide to go, just to see Ethan for one last time. To see how he really looks in the attire of a Groom because you used to day dream about having him be your groom.

You'll make sure you look extra beautiful that day because this is Ethan's wedding and Ethan deserves everything to be and look the best on his big day. You'll eventually see him standing at the alter, looking like the prince of those fairytails your grandma used to tell you. He would look so handsome and so happy that you'd feel your heart tightening in your chest, both from the pain and the happiness. Atleast he'll be happy.

And then will come the bride in all her glory, looking like a million bucks in her beautiful white gown, carrying the most beautiful bouquet of flowers in her pretty hands. You will watch Ethan's face light up at the sight of her and maybe he would tear up a little bit, earning a chuckle and a clap on the back from his brother and best man. He would mouth the words, "You're beautiful" as she'll come and stand in front of him and she will blush, smiling under her veil.

You will sit back and watch the whole ceremony go by, just hoping to catch his gaze just once but he will be too busy gazing at his beautiful bride. They say the vows, exchange rings and he is finally allowed to lift the veil and kiss his wife. As everyone else in the room would cheer and clap, you'd force yourself to look away. He officially will belong to someone else. No one maybes anymore. You'll be too torn apart to attend the reception and Ethan would only get to know of your attendance at his wedding from Lisa and the gift you left behind for the new Mr. And Mrs. Dolan.

Maybe that would be the last time you'd see him or maybe you'd still be too foolish to stay away. Maybe you'll still be in his life when he's about to become a father, you will be one of the last ones to know because you surely won't as important to Ethan as he is to you. He'll be so happy about the news and you'll try to display the same level of enthusiasm for him when he tells you, but your heart would hurt so much watching someone else living the dreams that you saw for yourself.

"Can I at least be the Godmother?" You'd ask pathetically, eyes glossy with tears and voice weak and on the verge of breaking.

Ethan would hold a look of guilt in his eyes when he'd reply with, "I'll ask the missus about that."

The baby will be born, looking like the perfect mixture of his father and mother. You'd get a picture sent to you accompanied by a happy voicemail from the new dad, but that's all you'd get. Of course you won't be the Godmother because the actual mother has a best friend that is better qualified for that role.

What next? You'll be invited to the first birthday party of the little Dolan and again, against your better judgement, you'll go. When you'll show up, his wife would be looking like a goddess in her white flowy dress and Ethan would be by her side wearing an all white tuxedo because that's exactly what a new father doesn't know to do at his child's first birthday party. He'll be happier than ever, greeting guests and playing with his little one. He'll spot you from a distance and come greet you with a beaming smile that would still be too painful for you to watch and he'd hug you for too short of a time. Before you can properly catch up, he'll be whisked away by his wife because she'll need his help with something and he'll be there for her, being the great husband that he will be.

You'll find some alcohol and sit at the last table at the end of the yard and drink by yourself. And when it's time to cut the cake, You'll hover by the back of the crowd gathered around the table the baby is getting cake all over her and her daddy's outfits. You'll feel an irresistible urge to push through everyone and dampen a towel to wipe all the chocolate cake off of Ethan's suit but you'll force yourself to stay in the back, because by the time the though came into your mind, his wife is already taking off his jacket and wiping off his tie with a damp cloth that she already had prepared, because she will be a good mom and a good wife.

You'll again slip past everyone just like you did at their wedding and even though Grayson saw you, he wouldn't stop you from leaving because he, along with everyone else would know what you still feel for Ethan. You'll still receive invitations to birthday parties that you'll never go to and phone calls that you'll never accept, but that is the price you have to pay for entertaining the idea that Ethan could ever be yours.

"Y/N?" Ethan's voice brings you out of your depressing thoughts and you look down at him. "Its late, I think you should head home."

This always happens. Whenever Ethan feels sad or doesn't want to talk to anyone, You're usually the one to crack open his shell and let him vent. It takes some time, but he does open up and once he's taken out all his anger at the universe or cried to his hearts content, or ranted about anything and everything, he asks you very politely, to get out. Just like he has right now. It might not be his intention to make you feel used and thrown away, but that's exactly what you are left to feel at the end of all this.

You're used to this, you don't know why it still hurts so bad.

"Yeah," you nod with a smile, getting out of his bed and slipping your feet into your shoes, "I'm feeling sleepy anyway,"

Telling that blatant lie and passing Ethan one last fake smile, you walk out of his room. Once you close the door after you, you take a moment to collect yourself before you walk out and face Grayson. You don't want him to see you're basically breaking from the inside. You take a deep, shaky breath, straighten your spine, make sure you wipe under your eyes and paste a small smile on your face as you walk into a living room.

As expected, Grayson hasn't gone to bed despite it being way later than what he's used to. Seeing you, he rushes to his feet in an instant, searching your face for any signs that you might have failed in getting to Ethan to talk.

"Is he okay?" Grayson asks as you walk further into the room.

"Yeah." You sigh, finally feeling the emotional exhaustion catching up when you sit down and slump on the couch. "He was-" you sigh again, "very upset."

Now it's Grayson's turn to sigh. "Yeah, I know."

"But he's fine now, cried a little," a lot. You correct in your head, recalling the half an hour that he spent crying into your neck. You don't want to tell Grayson that because you know he'll worry. His brother doesn't cry easily, especially over a girl. "I think he's rode out the worst, though."

"Is he awake-" Grayson stands up, "Can I go see him?"

"I think you should wait till the morning, Gray." Your words make him sit back down and your monotonous voice makes him look at you with a frown between his brows. Grayson's eyes search your face the way he does when he's trying to read someone, he does that a lot. When you notice he's doing that again, you look away. "And I think you should sleep too, you look really tired."

"And you?" Grayson inquires quietly.

You flash him a quick smile before getting up on your feet, "I'm leaving."

Grayson frowns, "No, it's too late, Y/N, sleep in the guestr-"

"Nah, I uh, I can head home-"

"Y/N, what's wrong?" Grayson now stands up to his full height, towering over you as his thumb and index finger tilt up your face, "Did Ethan say something."

The pure concern in Grayson's voice has never made you tear up, but today it does. You press your lips together to stop them from trembling and look away from his eyes to hide your glossy ones, before shaking your head.

Grayson doesn't believe you for a second, but he knows better than to push you when you don't want to tell him. "Alright then, let me drive you at least."

"I came in my car, G." You respond to him, taking steps away from him so he is unable to see that you're on the verge of bawling your eyes out. Ethan could at least offer for you to stay the night like Grayson did, but no, even that is too much for you to ask from him. "And you go sleep, your eyes are red and puffy."

"Your eyes are red and puffy," Grayson can't help but cut back. Grayson and you have been best friends for as long as Ethan and you have and while Ethan is the love of your life, Grayson is the male version of you. You are very close with him, he basically is like the brother you never had so it's obvious he hates it when you are in pain, even more so when you hide it. "You know you can't lie to me, right? And you do know that I know, right Y/N?"

You sigh, "Gray-"

"When are you gonna tell him?" Grayson's voice is demanding, like he's daring you to try and lie to his face again, "How long are you going to keep letting him look around and get his heart broken when the right girl is in front of-"

"I have a feeling that he already knows, Grayson." You cut him off sharply, your eyes never leaving his as you speak, "I think he knows and I think he doesn't feel the same way."

Grayson watches as you stand there, not avoiding eye contact this time. It's like you're challenging him to disagree with you. He doesn't try to though because he knows nothing he says will make you change your mind. It's tragic, seeing how much someone loves his brother and not letting said brother know about it, because he thinks that if Ethan knew, the whole story would be different.

"Good night, Gray. Sleep tight."

Grayson watches you open the door and walk out of the house. You walk to your car that's parked beside Ethan's and slide in. The engines come to life a minute later. He stands where he was and watches you until your car is out of sight. Then, he sighs and with a heavy heart, walks into his room. He really wishes he could do something about the Ethan and Y/N situation. He knows that they are both hurting and he wishes he could help, but that's in his nature. Grayson has always been the helper ever since he was a toddler and he hates it when he can't fix things. But just like he dad once told him when he was younger, he can't fix everything and he doesn't have to feel bad about it.

But he knows that Ethan won't be sleeping tonight and neither will you, he knows that you denied him from driving you home because you would be crying in your car right now and you need privacy for doing that. He also knows that you would be crying and hurting all night long and he probably won't see your face for a week because you'll need that time to heal before you can face ethan again. It's because he knows those things that he feels bad about not being able to fix them.

If only he could fix them.

A few feet away from Grayson's room, his elder brother lays wide awake, looking up at the ceiling with his hands behind his head. Ethan feels better after talking to Y/N, he always feels better after talking to her. But she looked sad when she left. Try as he might, he can't get the image of her face as she was putting on her shoes and leaving his room, out of his mind. She did try to flash him a smile, but he saw right through it. He also saw her eyes getting redder.

Ethan hates hurting Y/N. He really hates it. And yet, that's exactly what he always ends up doing. He doesn't know what he does that hurts her, if he did, he would stop doing that immediately. But he also knows that she won't tell him if he asked her. She doesn't even look him in the eye anymore. Whenever he is in her presence, he wishes he could read minds, or just her mind specifically.

Sighing, he groans and turns his body to lay on his side, searching for a comfortable position so he can shut his brain for the night and go to sleep. He blindly reaches for his 'cuddle pillow' as he likes to call it and presses it to his chest, wrapping it in his strong arms. The second he does that, he smells Y/N. Her scent lingers on his cuddle pillow because she was laying on it when she was here. This little thing makes him smile and rub his face against his pillow lovingly.

He was so comfortable and relaxed when he had her in his arms, even when his face was buried in her neck. He feels almost the same way cuddling the pillow just because it smells like her. Why did he ask her to go home in the first place?

Yes, she says she doesn't sleep well on any bed that isn't her own but maybe she would have liked Ethan's arms? He remembers her falling asleep on his shoulder so many times when they go on a road trip and Grayson's driving, she even slept on him in a movie theator once. Gosh, he should have asked her to stay.

That way, he would hold her and comfort her get her to feel better like she did him. She always does this, she comes in and takes away Ethan's troubles and leaves feeling sad herself. She never let's him help.

He twists and turns again, sighing in annoyance at not being able to sleep. Then, he reaches for his phone and opens it to see the time, hoping that it's not too late to go to Y/N's. If she doesn't like to sleep in anyone's bed, he can go over to hers because he doesn't have a problem in sleeping in her bed. His sleep isn't really affected by location, Ethan Dolan can crash anywhere if he's feeling sleepy, and sleeping with his best friend in his arms sounds like an awesome idea right now.

But according to his phone, it's already 4:48 in the morning and Y/N must already be fast asleep. Groaning, Ethan slams his phone down on the mattress beside him and turns on his side again, hoping and praying for sleep to come.

And it finally does. He is curled up in a ball, draping his blanket up to his chin. His arms are wrapped around his cuddle pillow and Y/N's scent on it makes a smile appear on his face even as he sleeps.

Meanwhile, the girl whose scent made him fall asleep, cries and cries until her eyes are hurting and her throat his scratchy. She doesn't remember when she fell asleep exactly because the last thing she remembers is pulling up a picture of Ethan on her phone, her favourite picture of Ethan that he sent her when he was in New Jersey for Christmas holidays, and weeping while gazing at his smiling face.

When she wakes up the next day, her eyes are so puffy, it's hard to open them and her phone still displays Ethan's smiling face just like it did the night before.